GOT CARNIVAL? MAKE MINE MALTA WITH A PIZZA

My first impression of Malta driving in from the airport: WOWW! Jesus! God! Baal and his brother (Z.) Bub! My second impression the next day: WOW. My third impression a full twenty-four hours after the first: wow? But that’s still good, because I’m not much the ‘wowie zowie’ type like some of my xxxx’s anyway. Ask anyone; but you know that already, don’t you? Even though I’m American, I’m not a loud extrovert, rather more the European exxi-stenchy type, a French shrug long incorporated into my vocabulary of body language and a German glare ready just in case. But Malta’s pretty incredible, ‘the island fortress’ lying exposed mid-Mediterranean as waves of Phoenicians, Greeks, Romans, Normans, and assorted Crusading Knights, Teutons, and Hospitallers all took a poke at her and tested her resilience and hospitality and longevity. The British were not to be left out of course and proceeded to fashion one of the most interesting of their proxy island/city/states, moreso maybe even than Hong Kong, Trinidad, Singapore, Gibraltar or Penang. Apparently Malta passed the tests of time. The stories are legendary even if you’re not a conspiracy nut, but it’s interesting to see how it all played out, if indeed it’s yet time to draw conclusions.

Some facts about Malta may surprise you (I already told you they speak a dialect of Arabic)- Malta is a full-fledged member of the European Union, even using the €uro as currency (they don’t all do that); Malta is a Lesser Antilles-size island with a large population of almost a half million, something like an urbanized St. Kitts of the Mediterranean; Malta is Christian, VERY Christian. The thumbnail sketch would be something like: modern Malta is a combination of three cultures- Arab, Italian, and British. While there would be a lot of truth to that statement, it would gloss over a lot, also. True, they tend to speak Arabic, eat Italian, and drink British, but they hardly look like the typical North African ‘Arab’, whether the Berberish Maghribbis or Nilotic Egyptians. They are as light-skinned and fair-featured as any Italian, if not Brit, and they are as fashionable and sexy as any Brit, if not Italian. Apparently their dialect of Arabic is close to Tunisian with a large admixture of Italian and other European influences, not surprising since everybody, literally EVERYBODY, speaks English, in a post-colonial situation not dissimilar to that of the Philippines or Malaysia, all with distinct national languages but anxious not to lose their English. More than a few speak Italian also.

Where did the Arabic come from? It probably started developing slightly B.C. with the first historical inhabitants, the Phoenician/Carthaginians, who would have spoken a north Semitic language, now extinct, closely akin to Hebrew and only slightly more distant from central Semitic Arabic, a language not even attested at the time of Christ, and probably non-existent, having not yet fully diverged from earlier Semitic languages. Central Arabia was not the most likely place for settlement, depending heavily on the domestication of the camel, which came long after most of the other best-known of ‘man’s best friends’. The Mediterranean itself has NOT been settled since time immemorial either, a fact which probably prejudices many European historians against prehistorical sea-based migration, since it took us so long to get our sea legs, not surprising since we apparently mustered our forces originally on the Asian steppes. European history is about horses, not boats. The first explorers of the Mediterranean islands found pygmy elephants. They killed them and ate them all of course, leaving huge piles of bones and lots of empty bottles of barbecue sauce. ‘Nuff said.

But when the Maltese came they built; civilization has been here as long or longer than anywhere, some seven thousand years, and featuring the oldest free-standing structure in the world. The original language would have been overwhelmed by the Arabic brought in by the same Arabs who occupied Sicily for many years and were the other main conduit for classical Greek learning to re-enter the West from Islamistan, the main one being the Andalusian connection of Arab and Jewish culture. My first impression on entering Valletta resembles the pictures I’ve seen of Jerusalem’s white stone houses sprawling low over the hillsides. I feel like I’ve just jumped to the Middle East without traversing the intervening distances. True, Morocco has some similarities but that seems more akin to Spain and even Mexico than the actual Middle East, i.e. adobe (an Arabic word via Egyptian). Valletta is the main town on modern Malta, though increasingly it’s more the tourist center than the business center, dearer in price and affection. Still, unless you’re looking for a Canary Islands-type generic beach hotel across the bay at Sliema, this is where you come. The earliest colonizers went to a high place not surprisingly called Mdina by the Arabs. Even Paul the founder of Christianity washed up on the beach here they say. They say a lot of things. I guess it’s only fitting that Malta wound up Christian. If the liquor don’t get you, then the pasta will.

If pressed I might have guessed that Malta was Christian, but I had no idea there was a pre-Lenten Carnaval. It’s not bad either, though not the sexy affair that Rio’s Carnaval has evolved into, nor Trinidad’s either, from what I hear. This one’s definitely for kids, and they rise to the occasion, all dressed up in allegorical costume. The floats may be a bit pre-fab and lacking in individuality, but the community spirit behind it is good, and it may in fact be closer in fact to the original than any of them, hard to say now that Rome is only reinstituting its own after a long period of dormancy. It’s certainly better than what I saw last year at Barcelona, and I’d be tempted to say I like it better than the drunken bash at N’awlins, but… naah. I like New Orleans, except from a jail cell. It’s definitely no match for the affair they put on at Recife in Brazil, which is a work of folk expression and dedication second to none. Malta’s has some similarities to the Brazilian event with its grandstand displays and performances, but that’s where the similarities end. There are no alcoholic beverages for sale on the streets here, though I’m sure you could find some if you wanted. That piss for sale on the street in Recife wasn’t much good anyway. The scene at the local Burger King and McDonald’s has got to be seen to be believed, though. I notice some of the local girls sporting big exposed British bellies now that Kate Winslett has made it okay to be a big ol’ gal (with ensuing dress-size inflation). Burger King will get you there fast.

Of course the problem with parties is that they end, leaving the streets desolate. Then the rains came. Fortunately I’ve already booked a flight on to Athens via Romefor less than $150, so I’m okay. Next cheapest with daily flights is $7-800. Is Malta what modern Arab culture would be like if the Prophet hadn’t turned such a profit with men who’d rather see their women in veils than bikinis? Maybe, but the question is probably moot since neither the race nor the language would likely have spread this far without Islamic conquest. Where else would you go to even test the theory now that Beirut and Christian Lebanon have been trashed to Hell and back? Dubai hardly counts, even though the international airport DOES have an Irish pub in it. Nevertheless there is a Mediterranean physical type which predates not only Islam and Christianity, but probably all Semitic and European cultures, and there’s no more historic animosity between them than anyone else. Most of the Old Testament wars of extermination were between related Semitic groups, though the Philistines (Palestinians) did seem to have sea-gypsy roots and routes before ending up.... guess where? The Gaza strip.

What’s the conclusion on Malta? Malta is cat country, maybe not so much as a ‘real’ Arab country, but not much competition from dogs nonetheless. You are what you speak. That proves it for me. Still the question remains: which culture is mas macho, Islamic/Arab or European/Christian, and which is plus femme? We already know where Asia stands. Maybe this is the true dialectic of history, not ideas nor social classes but the struggle for sexual dominance. What else? They’ve got an energy drink here called ‘Cocaine’, but that may not be specific to Malta. It should do well. They’ve also got Thailand’s M-150 which, last I heard, was banned everywhere due to its ingredients, so who knows? The Labor Party here seems to have the best pubs. I guess they learned something from the British. The Chinese here still have no major presence, their food mostly being the high-price delicacy it still is in most parts of northern Europe. For a minute I thought I’d found a genuine Chinese fast-food ‘takee-outee’, but no, there were kebabs on the menu, albeit with sweet-and-sour sauce. Where does that kind of Chinese food come from? Urumqi? The local food’s okay with me, and quite cheap away from the tourist areas.

But me, I’m ready for some warm weather, or at least some sunshine, or die trying. I didn’t come to the Mediterranean to wear my long johns (gwanni lungo in Maltese, but don’t quote me). Of course Tunis, which I left a few short days ago because of the rain, is now sunny and mild, so there you go. Don’t try to predict the weather, not in February. I seem to be surfing a cold front. Genoa was over 70F yesterday, far north of here. But there are things more important really, like reasonable accommodation. The room I have booked in Athens claims free Net, communal kitchen, and private bath all for less then $35. There’s no breakfast, but I’m tired of other peoples’ breakfasts. Who eats salami for breakfast anyway? I guess I do when they’re giving it away. My room in Malta is cramped and cold for over $40, but the service is good and so’s the wi-fi, but only in common areas. The water’s so hot it vapor-locks, making me want to piss in the sink I’m so cold. But Malta’s great. I had no expectations, so was pleasantly surprised. Still I hope to hang in Athens a while. I’m on solid ground now, no choke points, so no rush. See you there.